Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Broken

A reflective surface, lighting up a camera lying on the floor of my room. My reflection, my picture, my self-image, the missing link of how I’m broken or different. Finding happiness and looking in the mirror with a new haircut and trying to live up to expectation. Self-expectation, stories and plans, making the most of myself for others. Finding motivation. Finding myself in the mirror, taking a picture because the image is fleeting. Always looking for a quick fix.

Fix.
Noun,
1: A position of difficulty or embarrassment.
2a: A determination of one’s position.
2b: An accurate determination or understanding esp. by observation or analysis.
3: Illegal fixing.
4: A supply or dose of something strongly desired or craved.
5: see: FIXATION.
6: Something that fixes or restores- a SOLUTION.

The fix: I found myself squarely in a difficult position, with every possible move leading me back to where I started. So, I broke the rules and worked my own game to get what I wanted, what I had always wanted, what I'll always want. And having it, I'll never need anything ever again.

"To die, to sleep--
No more--and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished."

Zadie and her White Teeth in my bathroom sitting on the toilet pondering the true effects of poisoning yourself with exhaust fumes, with my white teeth sitting in a Wal-Mart box on the counter and Mark's clothes on the floor and I don't think I have anything left of Tadd and he's ashes now, and what are a few millenia, amongst friends, anyhow?

Everything and its everything else.

Drinking lousy beer with a bunch of phoneticists in a Beverly Hills Community Center and Ted Roxbury is the namesake speaker telling us all that Google IS the singularity because it has invented the most fantastic PIE base and we all salute with a shot of Vodka.

The world turns and we are small. German chocolate cake is a must and I'm ready to get roaring drunk roaring fire and plug the wife in my head into the cake and extrapolate a universe where I am happy.

1 comment:

  1. Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.

    ReplyDelete